April 4, 2003 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

When dating a cheap tipper, should I slip in a few bucks?

by M.T. the Big Tipper' Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

Are you really? A big tipper, that is. The reason that I ask is that I am, as much as I can be, and my new boyfriend is definitely not.

I've been seeing this guy for almost two months and I really like him. We go out to eat a lot and he doesn't even seem to think about leaving more than a few bucks on the table when we leave. This is usually well below the standard 15 to 20 percent.

We take turns paying for meals and I know I could put more money down if I wanted, but do you think his lack of acknowledgement of the hardworking wait-staff says something about him?

I also don't want to bring it up because I have learned the hard way what it can do to a relationship to try to control the little things you don't like about a significant other.

Sleeping With Mr. Cheap

Dear He's Got the Money, Honey, But He's Only Leaving a Dime,

Is he doing it because he doesn't know that 15 to 20 percent is the appropriate tip? Is there a chance he doesn't understand how to calculate that? In that case, buy two of those little tip calculation cards and say you got one to keep in your wallet, and picked one up for him, too.

Is he a crusty diner who is frequently dissatisfied with the service? (It's good to remember that wait-staff has no control over food quality.)

If you think he just doesn't respect the work that servers do, you need to decide how

much that bothers you. If he's just chronically distracted and not genuinely selfish, keep an extra few bucks in your pocket to pad the tip.

Dear Big Tipper,

How much of a role do you think political views play in a relationship? I'm just starting a relationship with a woman who I'm really attracted to and we have a lot in common, but around any kind of social or political issues it's like we are living in two different worlds.

like these become a big problem às time goes on?

Checking Out a Checked-Out Chick

Dear Think Globally, Date Locally, Yes. She sounds like someone you could date and have your way with very happily

BIG TIPS

I don't consider myself. radical or extreme in any way, but I pay attention to what's going on around me and I believe that there are problems in the world that deserve attention. I think people have a general responsibility to voice their concerns and work toward social change even in small ways. Again, trust me when I say I don't spend much time on a soapbox, but I also don't want to be a person who sticks my head in the sand and pretends everything is great.

So I'm dating this woman who is really smart and fun and really, really cute, but whenever anything even remotely political comes up I feel like she glazes over. We haven't talked about anything in too much detail, but I can tell that she thinks that if something doesn't affect her directly, she shouldn't have to think about it.

I don't want to come of like some kind of PC police, but do you think that differences

for a while, but as time goes by, if you don't respect someone's relationship with the world, you won't be able to respect her. And in most cases, lack of respect leads to lack of the hots.

Dear Big Tipper,

I just got back from sunny Florida and a muchneeded break from the snow and cold. My partner and I both went to my dad's place where there was a mini family reunion.

As always, our family visits bring up mixed emotions, but what I've been thinking about is how I've changed over the last ten to fifteen

years.

When I was younger (18-25, the comingout years) I had a reputation as an angry, inyour-face Lesbian Feminist. I interrupted the flow of family gatherings, lambasting everyone in the service of letting My Truth be known.

Fortunately, I've softened over the years. I know that many young queers go through this somewhat embarrassing phase of selfrighteousness and moral outrage and I do

think it's good to get over it.

But to what degree? I'm afraid I've been lulled into a thirty-something complacency and I want to retain a little bit of my edge and as much of my integrity as possible. What's a girl to do? My family likes me so much better now, but it's mostly because I'm only revealing this easier-to-get-along-with part of me. Worn Down or Grown Up?

Dear Mellowed Out,

Well, don't feel obliged to remain belligerent to make a point. Think about what you want to be like when you're not with your family, and then try to keep it consistent when you're with them.

If you're concerned about your current level of political awareness or activity, get on the stick and do some volunteer work. It's very reasonable to need a break after a long period of political work, but then it's easy to forget to go back.

Reevaluate what you'd like to be involved with. It's probably changed since the last time you were out there. Do you want to work with a different issue? Do behind-the-scenes work instead of more public work?

If you figure out what you want to do politically and act on that, you can feel comfortable representing yourself however you truthfully are to your family.

Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101. online at www.bigtipsonline.com, e-mail to martone@drizzle.com or fax to 216-

631-1052.

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